When women come to me for ADHD or autism assessment, they often start with a disclaimer: “But I’ve always managed. I got through school. I keep the house running. I can do the things.”
And they’re right. Most of the time, you can do the things. That’s not the point.
The better question is: at what cost?
Because what people don’t see is the scaffolding holding everything together — the colour-coded calendars, the mental rehearsals, the endless lists, the perfectionism that squeezes every drop of energy from you. They don’t see that you literally wait around all day for an appointment so that you don’t miss it. Or that you smile and laugh when you don’t want to for most of the day.
They don’t see the crash afterwards, the guilt about snapping at your kids, the hours lost to rumination because your nervous system won’t switch off. The ADHD tax of having to replace multiple items, pay late fees and pay more for food than you need to because it’s just so much easier than having to actually plan and cook.
On the surface you look capable. Underneath, it’s a constant negotiation with exhaustion. That’s the invisible cost of coping.
A thorough assessment for ADHD and Autism looks beneath the surface. A curious and compassionate therapist asks “where might this person be using shame to motivate themselves?”
